Baby, I am not Made of Stone… It Hurts

THIS are the words that kept playing in my mind in the past few days.

I took it from Emeli Sande’s Hurts. I fell in love with the lyrics, the angst, the hurt that brimming to the surface. I felt those feelings the first time I listened to it a few weeks ago as I was driving to work.

Danny doesn’t like it. Not his kind of song which I knew even before I first told him about this particular track. Well, we have a polar opposite when comes to our musical preferences…Lol

But it doesn’t stop me from getting myself immersed. Mainly because I feel every word written. Every. Time. And the beautiful music/composition was just perfect for me. But then again the similarities of Emeli’s Hurts and what I am about to write here ends on the first few lines of the song which triggered the idea for this post…

The feeling of hurt for being lied to, cheated on, taken advantage of… came rushing back to me every time I listen to Emeli’s painful wailing in the song. Indeed, I kept asking this question to myself… When all I did was just being my true self – honest and sincere. Funny, despite the heartache and the pain, I can’t be anything but myself… I guess I should be proud of myself…

I can now write about this sensitive matter as I am myself is at better place psychologically and emotionally at the moment. I guess life experience is your best teacher… It was something that I have been thinking a lot since I become a widow more than 4 years ago… And now I am ready to write about it without getting too emotional about the whole thing…

It reminds me what Kak Mizan from Texas said when she read my recent post on honesty. What is honesty really. It has become rare commodity or quality in today’s relationship… Be it platonic or romantic relationship…

As we grow older, I realise it has become more difficult to find someone who is honest with you with the words he/she said and showed via his/her actions…

Why must there some devious idea behind every actions? Why can’t people be themselves… Flaws and everything? Why they felt that they need to shower you with sweet sugary words? It just baffling…

And when I said devious it doesn’t have to be devilish or sinister but what I am trying to write this early morning was those deceiving behaviour was played out for you on what purpose really? As I have realised that we are human beings were born with the most complicated biological and psychological needs and wants.

And their end goal (for displaying deceiving behaviour) doesn’t have to be in material form. For example, by saying sweet words for affection perhaps to make themselves feel good (about themselves obviously) without even a slightest qualm on their part of saying the words they don’t even mean, let alone… feel.. leading others on…to what end? on what justification? Knowing full well the other party is unaware on this drama being put up specially for her/his was just…a drama and nothing to do with reality whatsoever…Except self-serving goal for the perpetrator…

Isn’t that evil? Isn’t that heartless? Isn’t that cruel? Getting someone to fall for you on something not even remotely real about you and yourself. And this online world that we live in now made it so easy for them to do just this without any sense of guilt…

And there’s one question begged to be answered…WHY?

Was it due some (sick) psychological need in them to shower others with this sweet saccharine words just to make them feel good about themselves… But even so, they should know all this false behaviour will eventually catching up…

But then may be for this kind of people they don’t really care. May be it was something about creating an alter ego of sort is like setting up a fantasy world where they they can be what they want and long to be without the restraint of what the reality is on the ground… In this fantasy world they can be anyone they aspire to be… a charming guy, a lover, a saviour, broken soul looking for salvation, someone who was looking for true love after a long spell of pain and heartbreak… May be only they know the answer. Or perhaps they don’t even know or realise that they are doing it…

I know this post is convoluted at its best. I should take up psychology and becomes psychologist  but as someone said it to me recently I would make a bad psychologist… Hahaha…And he is right! Lol…

I don’t know why on this cloudy Monday morning I decided to write about this subject. I have been thinking about this subject as I was driving to and fro sending Adam back to his college last night. I guess since I have become a widow I have met quite number of the opposite sex who displayed all this “charming” qualities that sometimes it was hard to look at as they were too good to be true… and they forget that I wasn’t born yesterday…and indeed. They are just simply too good to be true… and baby…I am not made of stone. So… It hurts… A