Daniel

THIS post was originally published on August 18th. But I took it down a few days later.

Mainly due to the fact that the person in the story stopped talking to me.

Honestly I didn’t know and will not (know) exactly what he was thinking reading the post. You see his opinion matters to me. And his feelings matter too. A lot!

He is one of my best friends. And I don’t have that many. Less than handful by the way.The past two years he plays such a big role in my life. Along with Jeff, his name was mentioned countless time throughout this blog.

Than a week later, he texted me “Did it even matter?”.

My tears could’t stop flowing by now. Gheez… Where’s the tissues????

He sounded hurt and in pain. My heart shrank. I felt so small.

Suddenly the garlic nan bread and tandoori chicken in front of me didn’t look that appetising anymore.

For the next two hours, I was trying to keep my tears at bay. Wiped them from time to time, hoping none of the partons at the restaurant that evening noticed that I was in tears.

After a lengthy texts being exchanged to and fro between Kuala Lumpur and New Jersey, it seems that he was finally getting the clear picture. But that didn’t me make me feel less guilty for hurting him.

As I was walking slowly to No Black Tie as I have few former colleagues from The Star were waiting for me, I remember taking a deep breath, tried to calm my nerves down.

As it turns out the night was a great night. Watching my brother Rama Lohan and his band Cats in Love performed live for the first time I was left in awe!

And I was exchanging text with Daniel in between songs, trying my best to tell him what has been going on in our life, his and mine.

Then Ito of Blues Gang and his friends took the stage.

I almost laughed at myself, the irony and the emotional chaos of it all.

Here I was. My first night time out to enjoy live music after more than 16 years and I was in tears, trying to save my friendship with my best friend…

I remember saying this to him, “Danny I will re-write the post. You are a part of my life. My history…”

Now as I am re-writing the post, I remember that moment on August 18, I was starring at my computer screen. I was Looking at his pic and his name. I love his name. I do. Among other things I love about him.

His questions about my “new boyfriend” and “who broke my heart” brought to surface, all the emotions that have been shelved carefully in the past two years.

More than two years ago, I was head over heel attracted to him. He is a musician. Self taught. He teaches music for living. He plays guitars. All this factors really pulled me to him despite enormous physical distance between us.

But they weren’t the only main reasons why I fell for him then. His quick wit, his smart-ass banters to anything under the sky was equally as exasperating as much as enjoyable.

I call him my favourite idiot in the whole wide world! It was my terms of endearment for him… pretty sadistic isn’t it? But you know it is the opposite. He is a genius and talented guy. But of course I wouldn’t bother to tell him that or he would become proud and big for his boots! Though seriously there’s no ounce of ego and cockiness in him. Very down to earth and humble guy. That’s why I love him so much.

Our shared interest in music, movies and arts bonded us more than any physical bond. Though he loves to pick on me whenever I gave him vague answers to his probing question on music and arts in general. But it was done in good fun though and I really enjoyed those moments with him.

Damn! He is annoyingly intelligent and quick-witted combined!  😀

And he is one damn good looking guy. And the fact that he is my first ever Jewish friend, added to that uniqueness and appeals. And he can read me like a book.

I remember asking him to find someone near who can keep him company and love and care for him. But he never respond to that.

Two years ago, we planned for two different trips together. One to London and later to Almeria in Spain. Unfortunately both fell through for various reasons such as his elderly mom went through knee ops, then ebola virus attacked and killed many the world over…

After Almeria fell through, I kind of lost any hope of trying to make things work between us. I was disappointed for sure. But life goes on…

Indeed we are still talking on daily basis and nothing much change between us except I was getting closer to someone else…

And as my relationship developed, the selfish part of me never asked Danny if he was also getting closer to someone else over there too.

I guess the selfish part of me scared that I will lose him if I told him about my relationship. I know, it was very selfish and cruel of me.

Admittedly it was easier for me to assume that he could be seeing someone over there. I was hoping that he did and still does. I care about him and I love him. I really want to see him happy.

I have resigned to the fact that we are not meant to be more than best friends.

You may ask can I really love someone selflessly when I was head over heels with him two years ago?

Yes. Now I know it is possible. Yes I will feel a bit sad. But when I love someone deeply enough, it transcends the physical limitations. I really want to see Danny happy even if its not with me. It is my fervent wish that he will meet a really nice girl who deserves all the love he can possibly offer.

My heart was breaking when I recounted to him what our friendship went through in the past two years. The plan to go to London and Almeria that never materialised and how I really feel about him. And his short answer really touched the deepest part me. He said “I know Aza.”

So Danny, here’s the post, with a bit of alteration…or amendment if you like to call it that… A