Happy Anniversary John…

img1451451357962TODAY is February 14. Today is also our wedding anniversary.

Remember the quite dinners. Thats our routines. I remember I made a  point of taking an off day on February 14 not because we were crazy celebrating over commercialised Valentine’s Day but it was the day when we exchanged our vow as husband and wife – in the eyes of God and the world.

It was the day when you proudly called me Mrs Duncan. Sounds weird for me seriously being an Asian and all. But I love the way your eyes lit up when you addressed me as your missus. That I was belonged to you and you, my dear husband was God’s gift to me as my protector, pillar and my strength.

There were times – many of them – quietly in the night when we talked about one of us leaving. I didn’t know why we talked about such thing. But I guess it was just natural. It could be me who would go first or it could be you. It wasn’t pretty subject to talk about because I have always ended up in tears. I couldn’t imagine my life without you. How was I supposed to live without you. And such conversation would end up with us agreeing to just enjoy the time given to us. Enjoyed it while it lasts. And we did.

True enough, when you breathe your last in my arms on June 15, 2012, I lost myself.

I didn’t have any will to live. I was drowning in my grief. Every morning I would visit your resting place just to be near you. And as you have wished, your resting place is just a mere 5 minutes drive from my mom’s place.

For two months I was driving almost 400km to and fro from my mom’s place in Muar to my office at The Star in Petaling Jaya, daily, because I couldn’t bear to be away from you. And I couldn’t go back to our home in Planters Haven in Nilai without breaking down missing you.

I did try to go back there but I ended up so distraught and couldn’t breath. Then I stopped trying altogether. I became a nomad – staying with kind-hearted friends for almost two years before I decided that I need to take a break from everything and quit my job in 2014.

Today, in 2016, marks the fourth year I am going through February 14 without you. How time flies.

I wasn’t planning to write anything today. But my heart was feeling heavy throughout the morning and tears flowing freely everytime I think how much I missed you.

Four years is a long time and yet four years is such a short time too. Depending on how you view it.

I used to go crazy everytime February 14 came. And yet today I don’t feel that craziness anymore or that emptiness anymore. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t think about you as much.

People said time heals. Indeed. I wouldn’t know what would I feel if my life is taking different turn compared to what I am going through now.

Would I remember you less because my life is filled with happiness? But the truth is, I went through a lot in the past four years John. A lot. More tears and heartaches than anything. Much more than I deserve. But you see, I am made of stronger stuff. I don’t buckle and crumble easily. I don’t crack easily too.

Who could ever thought that my world would come crushing down after you have gone. I thought losing you was the turning point in my life. Unfortunately, it has been downward spiral since then. In every way.

My inside could be broken to pieces John but I couldn’t give in. Defeat is not an option. Our son Adam is there. I need to be strong for him. You would want me to be strong for him. As Adam has promised you to take care of me, that I will take care of Adam. No matter what.

There are times when I think about what would happen if I am with someone new. Would I love you less? Would I remember you less? Would I miss you less? Would I think about you less?

What about when I fall in love with someone new? Am I being a bad wife for moving on with my life?

The fact is I can’t stop people from judging me and what I do with my life darling. You know I never lied to you. Not when we were together and certainly not now.

In the past four years, I would go and visit you often just to tell you things that happening in my life – both happy and sad. Granted that I couldn’t hear you talking back to me but I feel lot better for telling you everything.

Whatever future may hold for me, Happy anniversary my darling.

So what if there’s no more your annoying jokes and stubborness, or your warm and tender kisses and hugs when I need it most. You are always here. Yes here… In my heart and mind and I love you. I have and always will… A