IT felt as if I haven’t been here for so long. I guess when you went through such turmoil everything else seemed to be on standstill.

This month marks my two years living with my family in my home town. As I am preparing myself to leave my birthplace…again, it is hard not to remember all the tears and pain that I went through since I called this place my home on April 1st, 2014.

In hindsight, if I knew that I would go through this heartache and pain, I wouldn’t be back here.

How could I say anything but fondness for this home. A home that I grew up in. Showered with love by my parents. This is where I fought and played with my siblings as we grew up together.

It’s only logical for me to return here after John’s passing and quitting my job in KL. My dear mom. My brother Azim and his children. My one and only child Adam. They’re all here and welcomed me with open arms…

I came back two years ago, thinking that I would spend time with my one and only baby who is growing up fast. Making up for lost time.

How would I know that my return here only resulted in so much pain and heartbreak and practically destroying my baby’s future.

Was the pain and heartbreak worth it? Resounding yes if my relationship with my son is concerned. We are closer than ever.

But how could I forgive myself thinking that my presence here have made his future seemed bleak…

And my relationship with a couple of my siblings seemed going down south and irreparable.

As of now… My mind is still digesting the fact that I am leaving this place.

How can I?

How can I possibly say goodbye to Adam… To little Ika and the baby Ainul?

How can I find the strength to leave them when the time comes… Truthfully… I really don’t know if I can do it…A