Lover From the Past

if-two-past-lovers-can-remain-friends-its-either-they-are-still-in-love-or-never-wereTHIS topic played in my mind after a very dear friend informed me that his ex-girlfriend has been texting him and it made him feel a bit uncomfortable.

Being a friend that I am, I dished out standard views (personal) on dealing with such instances. Nothing outstanding. More like a rehash of what I would be telling myself were I be in the same situation.

But seriously, many of us would have experienced this at one time or another. That someone from our past, who is suddenly out of the blue, appeared in my life.

As people age, second chances can be lasting and wonderfully satisfying. Friends from the past — even estranged relatives — can make life sweeter. They are the keepers of memories; they hold the keys to our past, and help us make peace with aging.

This friend asked me if I ever experienced it myself. The answer is no. He further said that may be thats why I have a bit of difficulty to write this post. Perhaps.

Sad but true that somehow I never had that luxury (hehe) of having someone from my past started texting me out of the blue.

Granted that I was still keeping in touch with a few of my exes but not on regular basis though. Only as and when such as birthdays or something important happened in their current life.

But texting often? I think that’s something a bit too much in my humble opinion.

But who am I to judge others, right? Feeling and emotions are something very subjective and tricky to explain or even justify.

Even though in my friend’s case, he has no intention of getting back together with her, here I compiled a few points just in case any reader out there is contemplating about getting back together…

just-because-you-have-a-past-with-someone-doesnt-mean-you-should-have-a-future-with-themSeriously friends, we’ve all done it. The temptation is there, the circumstances are right, and you’re sincerely weighing the pros and cons of getting back together with an ex. And while this may seem like the greatest idea, you should probably avoid it. Here, the six most pressing reasons why…

  • You broke up for a reason – It’s so easy after the break up, to remember/rewind the good stuff on your brain. But this nostalgia is likely false — or, if you actually did have a lot of stuff worth smiling about, your fickle mind is conveniently ignoring all of the stuff that made you two end this thing in the first place. You should be aware of all the facets of your now-over relationship, not just the awesome ones.
  • You are just going to break up again- A big NO. I know that we all like to believe that we are the miraculous exception to the rules about love and dating, but the truth is, you’re probably just going to break up again. It’s painful to see people who cannot accept that they are simply not meant to be. Save yourself while you can.
  • It’s only appealing because it’s familiar – Let’s not pretend that a huge part of the appeal is familiarity. But don’t get yourself sucked into the idea that just because something is well-known means that it’s inherently better than the other options. After all, the butterflies of meeting someone new are pretty awesome, too.
  • The jealousy – It’s an uncomfortable reality that, when you get back together with someone after a break of just about any length, chances are good that they dated others in the time that you two weren’t hanging out. Get ready for an endless spiral of jealousy and suspicion.
  • The two of you probably haven’t changed – Maybe you left that relationship and did a complete 180. Maybe… but probably not. You, along with your ex, are probably largely the same person, and all too ready to fall back into the emotional quicksand that was your previous relationship.
  • There are literally billions of other people on this planet. Get it! There are other fish in the sea. While it may seem as though the entire world has been trimmed down into its fundamental You and Your Ex, the truth is that there are so many people out there with whom to create an entirely new storyline, and perhaps eventually to go through a breakup with, too.

inspirational-quotes-past-is-a-nice-place-to-visit_thumbBut what about lost loves? Can contact resolve unfinished business and lead to “closure?” Here another list of things I have compiled after studying on the issue over the weekend.

Fact #1: A lost love was not a friend and cannot turn into a friend. Unfortunately, it is rare that former high school sweethearts, married to other people, can reconnect and keep the reconnection at a platonic level. There is a high risk that old romantic and sexual feelings will return.

Fact #2: The Internet cut out the middleman (going to old friends or family to get the lost love’s telephone number). Now a married adult can find a lost love through search engines, classmate finders and most commonly, social networking sites like Facebook, then contact that person in total secrecy. What could be the harm? As it turns out, plenty.

Fact #3: These simple emails to lost loves are ruining good marriages. Obsessive thinking about the lost love takes over, even for people who had no thought of a romance when they made contact with the lost love. Once a phone call is made or, worse, a face to face meeting occurs, there is no going back to the way it was, even if the marriage can be saved.

Fact #4: The sexual hormonal highs of being in renewed contact with lost loves, plus anxiety/arousal hormones triggered by the secret affairs (including emotional affairs without sex), can lead to a craving for more and more contact, and withdrawal lows when there is no contact. A spousal relationship is more even-tempered; so how does a person addicted to these new highs decide to give up this rush and return to moderation? It’s not easy!

Fact #5: Some people are not good at seeing where feelings can lead. Some people are better at projecting ahead than others who just live in “the beautiful moment.” It’s a gradual “falling” into it, an accidental falling into a pit, before she or he is conscious of and can admit that an emotional affair is taking place.

Fact #6: Some lost love rekindlers said they had just been curious, or “wanted closure.” There is no closure. Even when the reunions end badly, most people always love the aspects of that old flame, that young love, from years ago. Not easy.

Forget-what-hurt-you-in-love-pastFact #9: Is there a way to prevent at least some of the problems that reunions cause? Yes. If people are educated to understand that lost love contacts can be emotionally dangerous. If people are wary and guarded, they will not “fall” into love.

Fact #10: It is important to tell the spouse about the contact, right from the beginning. If a married person is contacted by a lost love, the old flame may have written with innocent, although naive, intentions. As long as the married person is guarded and stays sure that he or she is not interested in resuming anything, one or two emails, known to the spouse, of catching up on the years apart probably won’t hurt.

Fact #11: The likelihood that people will leave their marriages to marry their lost loves is about 5%. Everyone in these affairs thinks that he or she will be one of the lucky couples.

Fact #12: Everyone in a lost love reunion has a context, a life’s history. Teen idealism is appropriate in adolescence. But during adulthood, there are spouses, (adult) children, friends, careers, community standing, feelings about right and wrong, religious observance, and financial assets — to name just a few — to lose, and all that baggage to take on from your lost love, who will have an ex-spouse for you to deal with, new step-children for you, an angry group of friends and family, and usually financial worries.

Sometimes people daydream about what might have been, years ago, if the teen romance had never ended. But make no mistake: there is no do-over. You can never return to adolescence. Even for successfully reunited couples, life has intervened. A