March 29, 2017

EXACTLY a year ago, on this date l arrived at my marital home. My cottage on the hill. For good.

I have been away from the white-painted house for more than four years then. I left it on June 10 when John fell seriously ill and I took him to my home town down south. I knew I couldn’t take care of him on my own. To lift him with his big tall frame. So Muar was our best option.

After his passing on June 15, 2012, I was living like a nomad. For the next two and a half years I was living with some kind-hearted friends.

Until  2014 when I decided to quit my job and moved in with my family in Muar.

Two years down the road, it was just getting harder to stay there that I made up my mind to return to my marital home. To start a fresh.

Now, a year later, I have settled nicely at my “home” where I truly belonged. It was hard painful struggles for many months until I land my current job in September.

Sure it gets lonely sometimes when I miss my children but I will try to see them every two weeks. Or I will make video calls with them, plus , my nightly phone calls to Adam remain the same. Besides, my odd working hours doesn’t give me much time to feel lonely really.

Only three days ago I went to visit John’s resting place. It has been five years and how life have changed for me. The ups and downs (more of downs really) are just unbelievable.

There I was his wife, in the eyes of God and world. Have I forgotten about him? Never! Impossible.

I may not visit him as much as I would like to but there were times when I would just cry and cry missing him.

How my life would be a world different if he is here with me now…

As I stood there looking at his name on his tombstone, I was riddled with guilt for not finding time often enough to visit him. If Adam and myself don’t visit him, then no one will… 

Life is way much better now and I don’t like to dwell much on the painful past. They are all part of learning process. Yes sure I would love to say…things could have been better but hey I have a lot to be thankful for… Thank you God!

I am a survivor and I will survive whatever life will throw at me. As Pete said it yesterday after we exchanged notes on our horrible days or weeks or even months. He just said life is a trial…Indeed. It is…A