Moving On…

CHILEAN poet Pablo Neruda wrote many years ago, ”Let us forget with generosity the people who cannot love us.”.  How apt.

Some people just don’t have the ability to love in a healthy way. May be we can try to listen to Neruda’s advice and wish our exes well on their journey, while saying farewell.

Some said letting go of a past relationship is a lot like mourning a death. Not. Not really. I beg to differ. Mourning someone’s death would be filled with love, sadness and bittersweet memories…

I know what I am talking about based on my own experience.  I was mourning the death of my husband and it was filled with endless love, sadness and regrets.

At the same time I am also talking about failed relationships.

Unlike death, failed relationships left us left bewildered, tonnes of anger and a wide range of emotions… From denial, anger, rationalisation, obsessive thoughts on the relationship and the other person, among other things, and eventually, acceptance.

It’s never easy when a marriage or significant relationship ends, i.e breakup. Whatever the reason for the split—and whether you wanted it or not—the breakup of a relationship can turn our whole world upside down and trigger all sorts of painful and unsettling feelings. But there are plenty of things we can do to get through this difficult time and move on. We can even learn from the experience and grow into a stronger, wiser person. Then again, it is easier said than done. But it is achievable. It can be done albeit the struggles varying differently for different people.

Why do breakups hurt so much, even when the relationship is no longer good? A divorce or breakup is painful because it represents the loss, not just of the relationship, but also of shared dreams and commitments. Romantic relationships begin on a high note of excitement and hope for the future. When these relationships fail, we experience profound disappointment, stress, and grief.

A death, breakup or divorce launches us into uncharted territory. Everything is disrupted: your routine and responsibilities, your home, your relationships with extended family and friends, and even your identity. It  brings uncertainty about the future. What will life be like without our partner? Will we find someone else? Will we end up alone? These unknowns often seem worse than an unhappy relationship.

Recovering from a death of a spouse, a breakup or divorce is difficult. However, it’s important to know (and to keep reminding ourselves) that we can and will move on. But healing takes time, so be patient with ourselves. Though there were times when all I could see was total bleakness and darkness.

People may tell you it’s time you got over your relationship. Just like with bereavement, we don’t ever have to “get over” it, but we may need to more forcibly move ourselves on, and if we’re stuck, to take a new approach to doing so.

Hurtful experiences, ones that emotionally and logistically reset our lives, leave us with two choices: open up more or close down.

The braver choice—the one that will allow new things to enter your life—is to open up.  I chose to open up more. There’s no two ways about it. Not because I am brave but there’s simply no other choice. My life is not about me, myself and I anymore. There’s my baby Adam. His well being is of utmost important to me.

Allowing yourself to feel the pain of these losses may be scary. Indeed it was scary experience for me.

I was in fear that my emotions was too intense to bear, or that I would be stuck in a dark place forever. And I did. Or I thought I did. But as people said, time does heal.

All I can say is just remember that grieving is essential to the healing process. The pain of grief is precisely what helps us to let go of the old relationship and move on. And no matter how strong, intense and overwhelming our grief, it won’t last forever… A