Finding Love Again…

41953dfbd5c9d59586be278120f583f2-1I WAS grieving then and tried my best to carry on with my life. It was almost a year after losing John when my brother-in-law Peter said to me on the phone that I should find someone to share my life with.

I was taken aback for his understanding and concern over my well-being and Adam’s. In fact I was very touched with his compassion.

I still remember his words clearly now, a couple of years later, he said ” You have to continue living Aza. John is gone. And you won’t find another John. I know you love him but you have to continue living for yourself and Adam.”

His words linger on.

I am sure there are many single moms out there. Either by divorce or the death of the spouse. And I am also sure that most of them are struggling to move on emotionally and psychologically. Not to mention financially.

But I will like to argue that losing a spouse due to illness was the most painful. There wasn’t any fight to feel angry about. There wasn’t any bitterness to hold on to so we could say, good riddance, one less problem (without you).

But for me days and months after John’s passing was just an endless deep end of feeling sadness. Bottomless. And I did wonder if I’d ever get over it. If ever.

For few months I commuted daily from Muar to KL and back because I couldn’t bear to be away from John. And I knew I was dying slowly inside. Every morning I stopped by at his grave, crying my heart out, telling him about my plan for the day and I remember how his lingering sweet smell comforted me, as if he was there holding me close, telling me that I would be alright. Sometimes I could feel a cooling breeze touched my face or my arms out of nowhere for fleeting seconds (when there’s no sign of winds and stuff at that particular moment). And I know in my heart that was John telling me he was nearby, keeping me company.

The money I spent on petrol and toll took most of my pay as I was travelling almost 700km (almost seven hours on the road) per day for five days a week but I didn’t care because deep inside I didn’t want to live. I didn’t have any will to continue living. I just wanted to join John… Just to live my life out caring for Adam until the day I can join John.

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I didn’t realise how bad my condition was until a few months later my best friend Shamala told me that I indeed “looked” lost and downright depressing for her to watch. But being a best friend that she is, Shamala didn’t say a word except provided me with listening ears and tissues handy to wipe my tears on daily basis. Worried, but she knew that I needed to grieve and mourn my loss in my own time.

Then, she was going to migrate to Australia, following her husband. I was/am happy for her but I know I was going to miss her very much.

It was double blows for me. Losing John and then losing my only girl friend, Shamala.

By then the loneliness was gotten so bad. I was so lonely and alone.

Throughout our marriage, John was my best friend, my lover, my partner-in-crime, my travelling buddy, my companion, my sounding board, a shoulder to cry on, he was my everything. I was one of few lucky women who was blessed with a husband who could be everything to me. Sure we had disagreements and fights. And with deep shame (and mountains of regrets now) I have to admit it was me who instigate the fights. Always. Well. Almost. And yet he put up with me.

I did ask him, with me being a difficult person that I am and very stubborn, how could he put up with me and love me. He just looked at me and said that my loving, caring self outweighed my “impossible” traits.

Couldn’t imagine my life without him. However, as Allah has decreed, John would be going first…

I didn’t plan to be single again. Never wanted to be single again. I wanted to grow old and grey with John, watching our son Adam builds his own family years down the road. There were so many plans and dreams unfulfilled.

But life has to go on whether I like it or not… The show must go on.

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Eventually I found myself trying to navigate through the thick and confusing maze of mixed emotions, between very deep love to my late husband and my very basic humanly needs for a companion.

And naturally I went to online sites and see what I can find there. I have had a good experiences meeting great guys online. Then I met John. My soul mate. But it was when online dating was still in its infancy. When majority there were genuinely looking for friends or perhaps more.

But this time around I was in a for a shock. It was almost impossible to navigate my way through a long-winded maze of scammers and opportunists. I was overwhelmed in a bad way. All hopes dashed.

Through those trials and errors, I have also discovered that it is very possible to fall in lovein again, while still loving John deeply.

He has special place in my heart. However, there’s another space in my heart is being nurtured and prepared for the new one, God willing.

Someone who would scramble to his feet and on the phone worried the seconds he knew I needed his shoulders to cry on. He, who wouldn’t mind spending hours and days helping me, guiding me through… Who continuously motivating me even when all I really wanted to do was just to give up… A

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