Sorry Girl! He’s Just Not That Into You…
WHILE the majority of the world over are celebrating the coming of 2016 in 50 minutes, here I am writing about topic that most of us (guys and girls) are dreading, especially when we are thinking about relationships. A committed relationship. That is.
At my age now, I have a fair share of my heart being broken. Many times over. And when I look back, I have noticed that in all the relationships that didn’t work out, it dawned upon me that that there were plenty of signs that the guy did give me then that could have given me some ideas on what was about to come.
I am sure many of us were, at one time or another, obsessing about a romantic interest. And we were needlessly leaving text messages and wanting to spend time with him despite his lack of interest?
Many of us unconsciously play out a type of scenario where we were obsessively try to connect with a standoffish and noncommittal suitor.
The adult desire to win over critics through making an aloof man warm and connected sadly, typically, never delivers. The woman involved is often left to feel even more depleted and insecure about her very nature.
The urge to correct a wrong or recalibrate a relationship is natural and oftentimes healthy. This urge can become dysfunctional when it is channeled into an obsessive and frenetic attempt to make a romantic relationship more than it can actually be.
Have you ever heard about sextimacy – the pursuit of sex with the hope of also achieving emotional intimacy. Often times, sextimacy becomes a dysfunctional way to get the unmet and very normal childhood needs for attention, affection and genuine care met.
At first sextimacy at first can feel like love at first sight or instant chemistry. Sadly the intrigue and allure that he will become something she has never before experienced gives way, and she is left feeling once again hopeless about finding real love.
Being in love and a romantic fool, I was obviously oblivious on those red flags that could have warned me that my fargile heart was about to be broken.
Hence, this evening, I take it upon myself to list down things or signs that you, my girlfriends, should be on the lookout for, to safeguard your precious heart…
There are certain universal red flags that need be considered and taken seriously.
- If your crush or love interest makes plans with you and then backs out, cancels or makes excuses as to why he did not deliver, deeply consider that he may not be able to provide a healthy, emotionally reciprocal relationship. Plans change occasionally, but he should respectfully let you know. Notice if you are spending excessive time waiting around hoping and wondering if he will contact you.
- Believe the behavior your romantic partner is displaying. It is common when attracted to someone to want to rationalise their poor behavior (i.e. is he passive aggressive, avoidant or often non-committal in his attitude with you?) If someone treats you with disrespect or chronically lets you down, take this as data that reveals to you who he actually is. If you try to talk with him and he dismisses you or justifies his mistreatment of you, take this seriously; it means he may not be a suitable match.
- If a potential romantic interest says he is not looking for “anything serious” or he needs a lot of “space,” stop approaching and let him go. This means he is not in the same place you are and may not want the same things you want.
- Believe what your romantic interest is verbally communicating about himself. If a romantic interest regularly (more than once in a while) communicates in a way thatleaves you feeling hurt, talk with him about it. If he can’t hear you or take your feelings seriously, move on. Instead of overworking the relationship and trying to right the wrong, accept that the match is not viable.
- Notice if you are obsessing about how to spend more time with your love interest, are you calling, texting, asking him questions but not getting much in return? Does it feel like you see him more on his terms than on your own? If so, pull back. You are over functioning. A relationship cannot launch, let alone continue to run, on your fumes alone.
- He doesn’t invite you to meet his family – ever. Of course inviting you to meet the family is a big deal, as it should be, and it doesn’t happen until he feels like this thing is going somewhere. So that’s just it – if time is starting to drag on, and he still hasn’t invited you to meet his family, the likelihood is that he’s having doubts about the relationship. So the bottom line is that if the relationship has been going on for some time – just to put a number on it, let’s say over 6 months – and he hasn’t invited you to meet his family yet, it’s certainly time to question him about it. If he still doesn’t introduce you? Time to start planning your exit strategy.
- He doesn’t talk about his plans for the future with you – I’m all for living in the moment and enjoying the “now”. But eventually in a relationship a discussion of future plans has got to come up – otherwise you’ll never know if the two of you are sailing together or heading towards different continents. If he’s not at least occasionally talking about the future with you then chances are, in his mind, you’re not in it.
- He lets you know he had a life without you and he still has a life without you – I mean, sure, when you’re first dating, it’s interesting to hear about the places your guy has been and all of the fun times he’s had with his friends. But if he’s still reminiscing about his single life escapades after your relationship has moved to the next level, or worse, making plans to have more of those escapades (without you), then the truth is he still wants to be single. Let him.
- You feel like if you could just change yourself and not be so needy, this would all work out – This is by far the biggest warning sign of all. Don’t fall into this trap. If you want a real relationship, equipped with real feelings, real caring, real consideration, and real romance, and he doesn’t, then he’s not the right guy for you and let him (and yourself) go.
Are you rationalising these red flags? Maybe telling yourself that it is your fault or if you do something differently, perhaps he will not act in the ways described above? Remember, it is impossible to bring a successful relationship into being if you are the only one doing the work. Cease. Desist. Move on. Distract into self-improvement or connecting with other more emotionally healthy friends and romantic interests.
So if you see any of these warning signs, and especially if you see several of them, chances are that this is not a guy that’s looking for a real relationship right now – or at least not the kind you’re looking for.
Sometimes it’s hard to see when we’re in it, but know that if you’re settling for less than you deserve, there truly is someone out there ready and waiting to give you what you’re looking for – and to treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Your best bet is to walk away gracefully, with your self-esteem intact, and not look back (even if he then starts calling you and chasing you – that’s just a sign of a game-player with deeper issues).
It’s in believing in ourselves, trusting our gut instincts and discovering who we really are and what we’re really looking for, that all the other pieces of the puzzle fall into place and we find ourselves finally getting it right and discovering the love of our lives – the one who doesn’t come with any red flags.
And girlfriends, you deserve nothing less than that, no matter where you’ve been or what you’ve been through… A