The Shy Me… Really?
They thought I was joking. But I was really shy when I was growing up. And I still am to a certain degree. To think that I ended up being a journalist was a miracle, sort of.
I think I did mention in my previous scribbles that I was born a loner. I love my own company. I enjoy being in a group but it would be for a short period of time.
And being painfully shy, I was having difficulties to mix around. Thinking that I wasn’t pretty or beautiful enough or slim enough to be accepted. The only solace I found was in my study. I focused my shyness, anxiety, inferiority complex into my studies.
And unlike other girls my age, having a boyfriend wasn’t really on my list (of things to check) when I was growing up, attended schools and then the studying at the university.
While other girlfriends were busy falling in and out of love, I was living in my own little world…
Sure, I was wondering how would it be like and feel to have a boyfriend. Would your life as teenager and early adult lot richer than us the single friends? But I don’t think I miss much though… I have my books and my songs to keep me company.
Even after I started my job as a journalist finding a boyfriend wasn’t top on my list and yes, you guess it right. I was insecure then about my look than anything else… And I continued finding solace in music and escaped through my book. I became a bookworm. Every spare money I have they were all spent on books and books…
Sure, I went out with a group of friends often to see live bands or just hanging out after work. But when comes to finding that special someone, I kind of resigned to the fact that I wouldn’t meet anyone special. Not anytime in foreseeable future.
And thinking about it now, it all boiled down to my extreme shyness and loads of insecurities. But I guess my job trained me well in hiding both my shyness and insecurities. Sure, many would take my shyness for aloofness. Can’t really blame them though.
A combination of shyness and a loner wasn’t really a great mixture. It was a really bad combination. Fatal. Almost.
Fast forward now, despite being a very late bloomer, I guess I did a good job in catching up with my peers…Wink! Wink!
Now I can look back and smile to think that throughout, I have met several exceptional people in my life. Who came and touched my life and undoubtedly, my heart, like no others. And now, 20 years later, their names and faces were never far from my mind.
Don’t get me wrong though, remembering them doesn’t mean I am still holding a torch for any of them. But, in all honesty, whenever I remember them, it would be with such fondness. And despite everything that we have been through, I believe their presence at one point in my life was a blessing and a lesson. Some of these men are still pretty much in my life, in my friends list, not only on Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn or Instagram but in a special place in my life’s journal. Except for one soul who did disappear into the wild green yonder.
Regardless what people said, I am a true believer that just because you were once lovers doesn’t mean you can’t be friends. Past is past. Now we are living in present. Especially at my age. Let bygones be bygones.
I am happy with my life now and I am really glad to see that they have finally found happiness. Some found happiness via marriages to incredible women and some found his religion and eternal happiness by getting close to God again. I am truly happy for them. We all deserve to be happy.
We met, then we parted, not for anything fishy. Mostly was due to unavoidable and unforseen circumstances that we had no choice but went separate ways. Painful yes. Heartbreaking yes. But I believe that everything happened for reasons.
They are all exceptional guys. Not perfect. Neither was I. We were just not meant to be together. Then, I met my late husband.
And at my age now, I rather focus on the good than the bad… Holding grudges and bitterness aren’t really my thing. Never was, never will… A