My Children Are My Strength…

SOMETHING about what Yana said today reverberated in mind over and over again.

It all started when I jokingly told her to Google my name and this blog appeared on top of the list of her search result.

I didn’t expect her to read my posts here until the time we said goodnight to each other and she told me that she found some of my posts here were sad and heartbreaking in nature.

I did tell her though that since I move back here, I hardly have time to write. And whenever I raised my concern (of not writing regularly) to Jeff he would tell me I shouldn’t worry too much as I don’t have deadline here. I write as and when the idea and the situation permit. Which is true…

Today marks my one and a half month live here. On my own. Still miss my kids especially my little munchkin Ainul but its bearable now. Though it still makes my tears flow everytime I think how much I miss her.

My kids are really precious to me. One of them I gave birth to. Adam. The other four, though not my biological children but in my mind and eyes, I love them dearly. Sarah, Azri, Ika and Ainul. This five are practically inseparable. Being raised in the same household.

But here I am, on my own, struggling to find my place in working world again. At times it seems like an impossible task to find job especially now with the economic uncertainties.

And much to my dismay, my age is a huge disadvantage. It seems like a really biased world when employer prefer young fresh blood compared to experienced person.

It was like being slapped on your face because you are not young. Truthfully I never considered myself as “old” despite my advancing age. I am not 50 yet!!! I screamed quietly… Come on! I can do better job compared to those young fresh graduates.

But who would listen to me. No one. Nobody listen to me.

Interview after interview I went to and the rejection (when you didn’t get the jobs despite the interview session went unbelievably well) really did some damages to my self-confident.

I was in denial but not for long.

The truth that nobody cares about my years of experiences and what I can contribute to their companies, hurts. It hurts so bad and I feel almost paralysed psychologically.

No amount of “being positive” and “positive thinking/mindset” can change the fact that it is tough world for veteran people like me to find job. For one simple reason – I am at the other side of 40s…

And it is heartbreaking everytime my baby Adam enquired about my job-hunting… That I had to tell him that there’s no luck yet…

I know my struggles (to find job) takes its toll on Adam. He is worried about mommy and her struggles to find a decent job again…

I can understand his confusion. His mom used to be a high-flying journalist, working for the biggest English newspaper in the country. His mom spent 21 years of her life serving the company with thousands of articles carried her name being published and won a few journalism awards along the way.

And yet, after two years’ break from the industry, she can’t find a job! All because she’s at the other side of 40s…

And honestly, for someone who always have positive outlook in life no matter what curveball life have thrown at me… I am now at the verge of giving up even though I know it is not an option.

Jeff keeps telling me not to give up… My children love is the strength that keep pushing me not to give up even though I don’t really don’t know how long this struggles will go on… A