Today I am officially 49…

I AM sure I have spent my birthday alone many times in the past. Countless times I would say.

But for some unknown reasons, the word “alone” dominates my mind since last night after Jeff serenaded birthday song during our video call. But don’t get me wrong. I don’t feel lonely though.

Just because I am alone it doesn’t mean that I am lonely.

I have always known that I am a loner. I love my own company.

However, since moving back here on March 28, almost three months ago, I have been alone most of the times. Pretty much.

Except a few times when my mom and family came for a visit. And the week when Jeff came and helped me sorted out my house and junk…

Funny, how my family (yes my mom especially) just couldn’t get it that I live alone in the big house. How can I explain that it feels normal. That it is okay. That I don’t feel that I am a weirdo for living all alone.

I can still remember my nephews’ faces as they came for a visit and asked, ” You are living alone?,” which is pretty obvious! Lol!

What I am trying to write here is that 49 is a big number. It is even bigger if you are a woman and a mother. Not to say that it isn’t big deal for my singleton friends!

Apart from seeing more and more grey hair sprouting, wrinkles and fine lines on my face and neck… And occasional pain on my knees.

I remember a few months ago I have a chat with Adam and how I related to him (with glee) the day I found out that I have grey hairs! We both had a good laugh about it!

Seriously though I don’t feel my age. I don’t feel I am that old that many of my schoomates are happy grandmothers.

Though sometimes when I was carrying my precocious niece 17 month old  Ainul, people thought that she’s my granddaughter and I was like “Huh?”

Wait I am not in denial cos it just won’t work!

Hey I am still pretty normal. I don’t buy that sporty new midlife crisis car! (mainly cos I don’t have the money! Lol), I don’t dump my partner for someone half my age, or try to squeeze into clothing meant for teenagers… I will definitely look foolish if I do that!

But we have to admit that we, women, can see and lament our bodily changes that had accompanied ageing such as weight gain, breasts that were “hanging down”, “droopy” bodies and “fatty areas and folds of skin that have given way to gravity” as visible evidence that we are no longer young.

However, I feel at peace with my body. Gone those days when I wished I have less fat and host of other complaints.

I was lucky then that my late hubby John wasn’t pressuring me to lose weight and appreciated me the way I was. Flab and all. Though there’s friendly reminder from him from time to time to keep me on the right track to stay healthy as we both not getting younger.

When I look in the mirror I got more wrinkles than I would like, but oh who cares really. I like the sun.

Truthfully, these external appearance and experience of the body both contribute to our overall assessment of how we feel about our bodies and ageing. And guys, while I am going to enjoy my last year of 40s for the next 365 days, let me soak in all the good vibes and heart-warming wishes from friends and loved ones…. A

“And in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years “-

Abraham Lincoln